


You Don't Want Fries With That

by Chef_Geekier



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Modern AU, Pranks, kili and fili work fast food, shitty after school jobs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-09-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 18:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2357441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chef_Geekier/pseuds/Chef_Geekier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili, Kili, Ori and Bofur work in a shitty burger joint after school. The manager should know better than to put them all on shift together. Pranks and general hilarity ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Setting the Scene

**Author's Note:**

> For a prompt at the Hobbit Kink Meme:
> 
> Kili is really bored at his shitty fast-food job, hijinx ensue.
> 
> +1 if someone utters the phrase "My go-go-gadget give-a-fuck is broken."  
> +10 if someone deadpans "They've found where I've hidden the bodies!" in response to sirens going by.  
> +1000 if he ropes Fili into his pranks, making them go completely out of hand.  
> (http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/10731.html?thread=22574059#t22574059)
> 
> First chapter is just setting the scene. The actual pranks and smartarsery will come soon, with longer chapters too.

The Durinson family had once been one of the wealthiest and most influential in the city. Generations ago they had owned the mines, the construction companies, the factories... it was said that they had pretty much build the city. The family company, Erebor, was known throughout the country, and everyone remembered the series of scandals that had brought the company, and the family behind it, to its knees.

Kili, the youngest scion of the once-great family, didn't give a shit about any of that.

His uncle Thorin had only been a teenager when Erebor was bought out for a pittance, his mother Dis even younger. By the time Dis had married and had first Fili, then a year later Kili, none of the wealth or prestige was left.

Instead Dis and her husband Vili had worked hard in decent jobs to provide for their family. They all lived in a small two-bedroom flat that in a decent part of town. The boys went to a good school, and worked hard to make their parents proud. After Vili's death things were hard, but Dis merely tightened her belt and took on more hours at work. Thorin moved into the flat next door to be close and help out, and things were good. Fili and Kili grew up without privilege, but they didn't care. When Fili turned 16 and wanted to buy a car, he got a job after school. As always where Fili went Kili followed, and the brothers found work together in the local diner along with their cousin Ori and good friend Bofur.

In hindsight, the manager probably should have known better.

He _definitely_ should have known better than to schedule all four four a single shift.

At least the security footage was entertaining.

* * *

Thorin sighed as he read the notification slip from the boys' boss, then handed it over to Dis. She was trying not to laugh at her older brother's expression.

“This is all Mum's fault,” Thorin muttered. “I'm sure she's up there laughing at us.”

“You're the one who drove her barmy as a kid,” Dis pointed out. “I was a perfect angel.”

“So why is she using _your_ children to torture me?”

“Because you have none of your own. You should get on that.”

“You know why I don't have kids, Dis.”

“Sweetie, there's this little thing called adoption. Solves all your problems.”

Thorin sighed again. Family. They drove him utterly mad sometimes.


	2. Badminton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili's first attempt at keeping himself occupied at work. Naturally, Fili gets dragged into it.
> 
> (Taken from my brother's personal experience)

Kili was bored.

The brief after-school rush had died down, and now there was sod all to do until the dinner rush started. He and Ori had swept the floors, cleaned the counters, restocked the straws and serviettes and sauces and every other dispenser they could find.

“Filiiiii...” Kili whined, flopping forward onto the counter. “I'm bored!”

His brother just snorted, not looking up from where he was reading the day book.

“We're working minimum wage. Of course you're bored.”

“You said it would be fun to get a job.”

“No, I said we could do fun things with the money we earn. This is our first job, it's meant to be shitty.”

“I still call trickery,” Kili protested. He tried pouting, but since it had been Fili who taught him how to pull the puppy-dog eyes in the first place it was largely ineffective. “You dragged me into this under false pretences!”

“Go cry about it. Better yet, go see if Ori's finished the washing up.”

“Fine,” Kili huffed and headed around the cookers towards the sink at the back. When he got there Ori was done with the cooking utensils and was cleaning the sink. Kili hummed absently as he ran his eye over the various implements – the paused. He reached out and picked up the spatula, considering it carefully.

“Hey, Ori?”

“What's up?”

“Do we still have those dodgy totally-not-chicken chicken nuggets that are about to go bad?”

“Yeah,” Ori frowned warily. “Bofur told me to put them in the fridge until garbage pick-up so they don't attract rodents.”

“Perfect.”

“...Uh oh.”

Kili grabbed another spatula and headed to the giant walk-in fridge. Sure enough, in a box labelled 'DO NOT SERVE, GONE OFF' in Ori's neat handwriting, were a few dozen of the processed crap commonly called 'chicken nuggets'. Pocketing a couple of handfuls, Kili made his way back to the front of the restaurant. Fili was still leaning against the counter, this time flipping through the schedules for the next few weeks.

He never saw the nugget fly towards him.

“What the fuck!?” Fili jumped, immediately turning to glare at his little brother. Kili, however, just grinned at him completely unrepentant.

“I found a way to occupy myself,” he shrugged. Fili blinked, then grinned back when Kili held out the other spatula.

When Bofur came back in from his smoke break, it was to see Fili and Kili apparently playing badminton with spatulas and chicken nuggets. He watched for a minute, glanced around at the complete lack of customers, then shrugged and hopped up to site on the counter.

“Who's winning?”

“No one,” Ori piped up from the other side of the dining area where he was wiping down tables, “and I refuse to clean up after them.”

Bofur continued to watch as the boys showed a surprising amount of skill at keeping the nugget in the air, hitting it back and forth with their spatulas.

“You two really do have specialised skill sets, don't you?”

“Yep,” Fili grinned, sending the nugget wider and just out of Kili's reach. “Yeah! Point to me!”

“Your serve then,” Kili tossed over another nugget from his pocket.

As they set up again, Bofur looked at his watch. Plenty of time until the diner rush, and t beat standing around bored.

“Llllladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome to the inaugural finals of Nugget Badminton! Today's contestants, all the way from a small town in the middle of nowhere that you've never heard of...”

Ori sighed as he kept wiping the tales. He really should look into getting another job. One that didn't involve flying poultry products and insane relatives, for preference.

* * *

“I'm pretty sure we raised them to have more respect for food,” Thorin frowned down at the letter.

“That shit doesn't count as food,” Dis quipped back. “Anyway, they said it was all about to go off. If they couldn't serve it, they may as well use it for entertainment purposes.”

“Somehow I don't think their boss will accept that excuse.”

Dis shrugged. Where Thorin tended to worry about the family image, she was much more relaxed. Her boys were still just boys. Plenty of time for respectability later. Though she did wonder what it said about their family that the boys could so easily see the opportunity for badminton in some off chicken nuggets and a pair of spatulas.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a list of pranks thanks to my brother working at a certain place when he was a teenager, but I'm also open to suggestions for more!


End file.
